♥Only Me♥

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Lies...

Don't know why.. From the day my ah ma passed away plus you leave me,i feel so empty. Maybe because no longer receives your sms-es and no more chatting at night before you sleep/after i knock off from work and reach home. No longer will see you on MSN as you had let my sis use the com and you are avoiding to see my MSN "sad" title. >.<

Been chatting on MSN with Jovin recently =_= no choice, entertain him. And i happen to know that, from the very starts, she lied to Joseph... About she got work as a "Flyer Distributor".. Stand along MRT stations that kind or what. Well, when i first heard that she is doing this so-called "Part-Time" job, i actually wonder will she do this kind of job??? But no choice ba, she what situation. Maybe really doing that job. No one knows. But Jovin says she doesn't even work. Hais, yea no point he lying now also. But well... Even if it's real, what's the use? Tell Joseph?? Tell him for what? He will believe ma? He will only say he don't care whether she lied about that anot le ba. That matter is over le...

Everything is over now, but i just can't stop thinking NONSENSE! Keep thinking why i had say all those and did all that?? How come i can do all this? How come i just can't be honest to myself more? How come i never tell him the words in my heart? How come we are unable to receives each other feel and thought? Maybe because we unable to SMS and chat on phone much from the day she stays over at your place ba.. Ya, it's me say better contact lesser when you home etc? But if you two sleep different place, you can actually call me up de. But you're lazy to explain all this.. Or don't wish to explain.

I really trust you de. But i just can't stop thinking that you everyday can talk to her and maybe sort things out and share your whatever joy of the day to her. But i can't... From your 5th refresher course onwards... I had never heard you say anything from it le. Not like the first few times. Whenever you end it le, you will call me up and share me what happened during your refresher course and what's so funny over it.

Seriously, i'm not sure what i want at all.... Currently maybe want you most ba?

Last Friday, 23rd Oct 2009. After end work le, i straight away gone to bed when i had reached home, change clothes and brain still keep thinking of you... 7+ i wokeup.. i decided to ask whether dad is free to give me a ride go down to hositpital from body checkup and suddenly i starts to cry.. Not sure why.

I keep cry and cry badly can tahan the tears from coming out. He never heard i say body checkup thou, so he just gave me some money and ATM, take cab go down TTSH and see doctor. Spend about 3hours there. It's around 12MN when i discharge from TTSH.... Not even a single car i can found on the road... I walk and walk til i nearly reaches big road. Once cab horn me, as i was walking along the double yellow lines. Broad the cab before 12MN.. Reach home eat porridge.

And starts to feel better.. Next year had to go back TTSH again.

Had told some friends about it included him. As it might be slight depression.
But you doesn't seems to care about me so much or even a single concern... And it makes me wonder whether it is you that replies me.

Today, 27th Oct 2009. 3hours 41mins to 3days you had not replied for my message saying "Anw, wb. How's fishing? N rmb wat i ask for next wk" Why don't you reply to this... I just want to concern or ask about how's fishing. Or you actually call it off and went chalet with her? I believe you wouldn't give up fishing lor.

Hais, about 4days more to go before i will sms you ba. I wish i can tell you about what i know from him. But mostly you will not buy in ba.

Life is cruel. Especially to me? All i got is my dad.... And some close friends.

Maybe all is fate la. Fate makes me had to work Full Shift on the day suppose we meet up. Became the two of you meet up only. And makes me keep feel so uneasy.. And since when you likes her back i also don't know... "So fat lo, fat until so ugly.. I don't even know why i last time like her" this sentence.. I keep thinking now... Whether you say from your truth heart or it is really like what Michelle says "ALL EXCUSES"

But i do believe it is more to your truth words. But is it the first day meet up le and like her back? And scare to tell me? Or scare i know? Hais.... You 2 chat on the phoe few days before meet up. From that day onwards maybe already likes her back le and so happy to able meet her alone on Sunday.. Chatted so long hours from the past til present. I really don't what the hell i'm doing.

Somehow yes i push you two together. That's because i feel you heart likes her more? Or i feel like i'm extra? If you don't want be with her, i push also no use right? hahaha Stupid =_= Speak rubbish again. Aiya end here la...

Not saying if i never push you will go with me, just can't bear to see you suffer. I suffer alone enough le ba. =) Well.. You just can't get my meaning i guess. Neither i had tried to listen to yours perhaps. Hope everything can turns back. I really wish it can... All start over again.

Need to learn to relax, to be honest to myself, my heart and to others. Need to learn to be more and more patient for all this kind of things. Just not sure why this time i can't torlerate? Stress ba. Also too/quite straight-forward kills myself..