♥Only Me♥

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

9 December 2009

I found something meaningful..

Today, i found some other random people's blog writing something that looks so nice. And it actually looks like reflecting on what had happened to me. Or what i actually happen to same as the person or the other way.

Here it goes :

我以为找个人来代替你那我就不会在想你了，可事实不是这样的，就算我和别人一起了可我的心还是在你那里，我忘不了你也放不下，我很努力的让自己不去想你了，可我发现我还是做不到，我忍着不给你电话不给你发信息就是想自己可以早点忘记和放下你，可到今天我才知道原来我做不到我放不下，我该怎么办啊？到今天我的脑子里都还全是你的影子啊，我就快要疯了，我好辛苦啊，我们分开都好多天了可为什么我还是放不下你啊？难道我这辈子都只能思念着你过自己吗？老天真的和我开了个很大的玩笑，而我们就象个梦一样，一开始这个梦很美很真，突然间梦就醒了，梦就是虚构的，只能幻想却不会变给真实，梦在美最终都还是会醒的，当梦醒了就什么都没有了一切也都结束了，你们的爱情就是一个梦，可明知道总有一天梦会醒的可我还是接受不了，我恨老天为什么要让我认识你，为什么要让我爱上你却不给我们一起，我真的很想

Friday, November 20, 2009

20 November 2009

Happy Bithday To Myself

Well, just to blog to say that. Lolz..

Got some call and wishes from friends in FaceBook and Sms-es as well.

End..

Sunday, November 08, 2009

8 November 2009

It's November le

On 3rd November 2009, Zhi Wei suddenly Msn me... Asking me what happened. So began to tell him what happened. And he asked whether want go out as i mention that he is the one that was back out to meet up. And so that's the first time we meets up. Meet at Jurong Point walk around and say more about what had happened to me or around me. And dinner lo...

Birthday coming soon le... In September, still thought that this year birthday got people to celebrates with me.. It's been over 6years since i wishes to go for a Star Curise. But i had never taken a boat/ship before.

It will be One Month soon in 12days. 20th November, exact my birthday never get to see Joseph le. Dam sad because it's my birthday -.- I been trying hard not to think of you. But whenever im too free or bored, i suddenly will think of what are you doing or what will you be doing now. Helping friends out at their shops or playing Dynasty Warrior 6 with sis or playing Fifa 10 with friends. Had never sms-ed you for so long. Even sms, also not sure what to send you. You will not reply me as well.. Claiming that you either forget reply or busy until forgets. Well, it's just actually you changed the way you treats me nia. Really wish we can get back to normal.

About 8 weeks more to Year 2010. About 2 months more you will be going for studies, which is i get to know on 31th October only. About 3 months more you will be returning to Taiwan. Seriously, i hope i can send you off at the airport when the day you had to depart.

Hopefully, in Year 2010, will be a great Year to be. Hope im able to travel overseas as well. Hope you will be contacting me back like normal friends at least. Please stay healthy.

Currently, i really don't know what i should do. I tried to stay at my current job. Wondering whether i should continue working over at Just Acia during weekends to earn more money.. To cover the expenses on travel... Whether i should stay in BCS for long term not, im so uncertain of it. But they do wish to get perm staff.. But the paid is actually quite low. Hais, just that it's at Toa Payoh.. and still had to spend about an hour to reach there.

Im quite tired of working or life le... Somehow really wished might as well get married off. And be "Tai Tai" at home, sometimes go out work part-time nia. But i guess my life is just full of hardship ba.. Feel like changing my name leh. Just the centre letter to another word but still "min" as i found one nice de letter which i quite likes it as well.. Maybe find one day got some money le, go find Yun Long Zhi? hahha

SE Satio is out.. Should i wait til Chinese New Year etc time then get the handphone? Feel like getting W995 as well. Hais... It will cost a bomb.. Or i should wait til Feb i guess, the month which my contact 1year le?

There's two things that always kills, which is L.O.V.E and MONEY... Both actually can consider is killing me. As i work very hard to earn some MONEY and hurt by L.O.V.E deeply once.

No matter what happens, i still want to tell you. I'll always by your side when you needs me. I'll never leaves you even if you ignores me. I'll will stand by your side no matter what happens. You will always be the only one in my heart.

Life is getting more and more boring for me i guess. Maybe because of my current job ba. Not like my old job can talk around, gossip, listen to aunties talk craps + gossip and laugh around the shop. Really don't know what kind of job suits me. I do wish that i can go for futher studies, just to get a diploma, so i can get a job easier and paid will be better. But my heart really not into studies and now also got finance problems. And i still really can't get which courses i wants.

I thought of Business studies, Joseph had recommended Tourism Studies before. But i sometimes also somehow wants to take Early Childhood courses. But i just don't really like kids... But i do quite like this course. As a teacher of kindergarden. Or even teaches Pri 1, Pri 2 kids. Due to my lazy eyes, i take this course also will suffer ba...

Whether true L.O.V.E exist or not, im not sure. As i had never believed in it that much.. But i do quite believed in fate. For now, all i had to do is pray that everything will be fine for me. I do have some evil thought running thru my mind. As for what i mostly guesses is right. Somehow i wish that this time my guesses is right too. Or i should believe it will.

Yesterday, 7th November. Had a chat with SingWee and she talk to me about christian things. Today, a lady and a guy knocked my house door at 12plus. They talk to me about christian things as well. And told me Jesus's father name, which is GOD. But i had totally forgot the name of GOD and their names too.. Wondering whether they knocked on other doors as well as they says they go to all houses. I stand at the window looking down at 2-6th storey for sometime.. Never see them. Maybe i listened and they thinks mission accompolish. No need continue le hahaha... Or GOD is hinting me i should convert to Christian. As i do thought of this. Just lazy to attend to church.. As it's so far away from my house....

On the 6th November, 2038hrs, Yang Wen became father! Grats to him. Should be a baby boy ^.^

In Year 2010, i hope you would get hurts. No! Better don't get yourself got hurt. When you're been hurt, i will feel the pain as well.

Sometimes, i may says that i don't care. But actually im not sure why sometimes the things i do is actually showing that i cares. I hope i can change. Change to a kind that dare to say all kinds of things out which i don't like, or like. Dare to say the things out i wish to say or i want to say from my heart.

I want to tries to change my lifestyle. Sleeping time, grooming, dressing. Almost everything. But i still cant deny that im a LAZY bum.. All i change for now is my sleeping time. But i still unable to sleep straight from 10-11pm til next morning. Hais...

If i can, i wish my lazy eyes is cured, i wish i got a better complex(both body and face). Hais....

Mr.Right ah Mr.Right, is he my Mr.Right? My heart is telling me YES.

Really wish to go back to the past or just turn the time back to where i had make a mistake or back to where i should had make this not a mistake. Now all i had to do i wait. Wait for the day the mistake will be not a mistake at all. It's just a path i had to go thru. or We had to go thru.

Tomorrow is Monday... Will OT.. Confirm until 6plus again. What things should i standby at there to bite while OT? Tibits? Bread?.. Mineral Water is a must. One day at least 300-600ml Plain water is it enough for daily, Joseph?

Lunch should be eating bread as well~ Til now i still unable to get back old appetite. Maybe because of my change at work also ba. Eat too full want to sleep. Just full or not hungry ok le ba. Disgest quite slow also. Not like at Just Acia keep run around like doing workout at the counter. Hahaha. BCS walk abit or stand awhile nia. Mainly sit on office chairs.. Wonder whether i will stay in this job for years.. Im actually don't really like the job duties i had to do.. Keep forget to check one of the items.. Dates, Post Dated, Payee, Signature, Word & Figure, Code, Amount tally not. Surely i will get at least 2-3 mistake.

Just what's wrong with me. End work le will be so lazy to go anywhere. How do those ladies end work le still can go play around til late night? If im working at 12pm at Just Acia, i can do so. But at BCS, 830 OR 9AM work til at least 315 or 345PM. Napping time. Sleepy -.- Keep yawn.

Oh ya.. Saw 6 coming soon~ Chipmunks 2 & Paranormal Activity(Horror) looks nice~ If this movies out in September good le.. Can watch with you. Well, next time hope got chance to catch a show with you ^.^

It's about time to sleep. 930PM soon. Not sleepy yet. Hais.

Oh ya. Yesterday, went to NTUC with dad. After getting some items we need, he asked me whether there's anythings i want to get. I say no but he telling me go see. So walk around, and saw TRONKY! Last time can be found only in 7-eleven. After that hard to find le. Then saw oppsite house that QC market got sell individual de, Sometimes go over will get. But now NTUC sells it, so happy. And buy 2 boxes got offer xD so i got 2 Boxes. Yesterday i ate 4 sticks -.- today ate 2. 1 box finished.. Haha.

And i wanted to look for Moisturiser, so walk around that facial foam area. Got 1 promoter there asked me what i'm searching for so i told her lo. And listen to her promote. She promotes me follow me items. Under offer. Actually don't like this brand la. haha But the smell is nice. She all the way promote that, then end up getting a Moistursier, Toner, Sunblock and Refine. Total about $55. Free me a small Cleanzier and a small bag ^.^v She actually recommended another product which costs $39, quite expensive for me so i never gets it. Saw SilkPro items actually on promotions also de. But aiya never ba... Guess all this can last at least 3-4months ba =p Hope it changes my complex. Total bill : $111.00 hahaha

Everyday at BCS open envelope etc, think is cause my hands to dry up and cause of aircon ba. Need start to use lotions le ba.. Or hand cream. Maybe i should start to learn some makeup during im out for shopping in future? And dressup.

Yea.. Part of the reason i will want to do so much change is all because of you as well. Maybe is i want you to regret? Or maybe it's time for a change on me. At least abit ba. Very fast i will be back to the normal lazy self. hahahahaha

Really wish time goes faster. Til the day i can retired or just relax more. Not like now had to work and work to paid insurance as my savings. >.<

Mummy! Where is the Law Firm that can claim the left over Will of yours that i should get last year? I really do remember that when im 18 i get some and the paper write it's only certain % of what you left over. During ah ma's funeral, dad mention got how much as well le. So i never remember wrongly. Hope your this Will can help me solve all problems.

Such a long post that's not consider venting this time. Just bored and thought of writing it as well. Don't know when will be the next time blogging le. Everytime not pictures. Except Michelle willing to read, i doubt there's another person le. Maybe sis will, to check out any news over here ba. bleh

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I wish...

This sunday, suppose is go find you.. Now all hope shatters. I wished to hug you and say some heart felt words de... And something else..

Maybe i just say here le...

(If i'm hugging you, i want to say this is the first time i really hugs you, you can bring me peace)

Joseph.. this is the very first time i called your name out.. And i will call you this from the very next time i see you le. Only will use Joe when needs to use shortcuts... Bleh..

Joseph.. Sorry and i loved you once..

Joseph.. Sorry to makes you suffer that stuck inbetween..

Joseph.. Sorry for what i ever says makes you angry and frowned..

Joseph.. Sorry for everything i had did..

Joseph.. I really wish everything can go back to the start..

Joseph.. Sorry for not listen to your true heart feel.

Joseph.. Sorry to force you..

Joseph.. Sorry that i had never be honest to myself to tell you my truth words...

Joseph.. Sorry that i'm unable to send you the message in my heart and i'm unable to receives yours.

Joseph.. Sorry.. Really sorry. I really wished to go up your house this sunday de.. Got things i wished to ask from you from the very first and only time.. But no more can say it le..

Joseph.. Sorry.. At this point i know i can't 'truely' bless you. But i really wish you are happy and blessed.

Joseph... If you would had says you would't want to take back the money maybe i will had listen to it. Just that it's scorpio's habit.. Don't like/wish to owe anything ba. Not say i want to make things so bad/worst de.

Joseph... Maybe certain things should say out never say but if you never say out of course i will also not saying out..

Joseph... Why didn't you speak your true heart earlier to me.. You say it out when i'm very sad about the funernal and when i had sunk into deep water of yours.

Joseph.. Even now that i now your MSN puts "happily attached" is to show it to me but i still can't get over it so fast lah..

Joseph.. Ai wu ji wu and Ai is a different things... You should know it de. But i'm telling you that i really likes you alot. I don't know why. But i really like. No matter you're sad, happy, down i also wish i can share the bundle/joy.

Joseph... If you don't want to care about me le, you should not had say you still wan be friends and the concern/care for me will still be the same. And yet you don't want to reply me le. You know how sad it is?

Jospeh... I really thinks that you're the one for me. Thus, i say i will wait no matter how long it takes. The words still counted til now but 3years later leh? Maybe still will ba? Or maybe not.

Joseph.. I still wanna says this before de.. If 3years later.. We both not married to anyone yet. Will we get married?

(Ya.. In my dream...)

If only i can turn the time back... I wish i had never remembered who are you, perhaps...

If i can choose, i wish i can die now.

Well, actually from the very first day you bring her to your house can guess abit de la. . . Just i want to trust you. Hais. Now then tell me all the 'truth' i think even more ba? How to get back to my life/concentrate on my work?

Really don't know how long then will get back to my track le..

I also don't get it why when you both if know the truth le, still want hides it. Hais. If only say earlier, confirm earlier i will not be like what i'm now le ba?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Lies...

Don't know why.. From the day my ah ma passed away plus you leave me,i feel so empty. Maybe because no longer receives your sms-es and no more chatting at night before you sleep/after i knock off from work and reach home. No longer will see you on MSN as you had let my sis use the com and you are avoiding to see my MSN "sad" title. >.<

Been chatting on MSN with Jovin recently =_= no choice, entertain him. And i happen to know that, from the very starts, she lied to Joseph... About she got work as a "Flyer Distributor".. Stand along MRT stations that kind or what. Well, when i first heard that she is doing this so-called "Part-Time" job, i actually wonder will she do this kind of job??? But no choice ba, she what situation. Maybe really doing that job. No one knows. But Jovin says she doesn't even work. Hais, yea no point he lying now also. But well... Even if it's real, what's the use? Tell Joseph?? Tell him for what? He will believe ma? He will only say he don't care whether she lied about that anot le ba. That matter is over le...

Everything is over now, but i just can't stop thinking NONSENSE! Keep thinking why i had say all those and did all that?? How come i can do all this? How come i just can't be honest to myself more? How come i never tell him the words in my heart? How come we are unable to receives each other feel and thought? Maybe because we unable to SMS and chat on phone much from the day she stays over at your place ba.. Ya, it's me say better contact lesser when you home etc? But if you two sleep different place, you can actually call me up de. But you're lazy to explain all this.. Or don't wish to explain.

I really trust you de. But i just can't stop thinking that you everyday can talk to her and maybe sort things out and share your whatever joy of the day to her. But i can't... From your 5th refresher course onwards... I had never heard you say anything from it le. Not like the first few times. Whenever you end it le, you will call me up and share me what happened during your refresher course and what's so funny over it.

Seriously, i'm not sure what i want at all.... Currently maybe want you most ba?

Last Friday, 23rd Oct 2009. After end work le, i straight away gone to bed when i had reached home, change clothes and brain still keep thinking of you... 7+ i wokeup.. i decided to ask whether dad is free to give me a ride go down to hositpital from body checkup and suddenly i starts to cry.. Not sure why.

I keep cry and cry badly can tahan the tears from coming out. He never heard i say body checkup thou, so he just gave me some money and ATM, take cab go down TTSH and see doctor. Spend about 3hours there. It's around 12MN when i discharge from TTSH.... Not even a single car i can found on the road... I walk and walk til i nearly reaches big road. Once cab horn me, as i was walking along the double yellow lines. Broad the cab before 12MN.. Reach home eat porridge.

And starts to feel better.. Next year had to go back TTSH again.

Had told some friends about it included him. As it might be slight depression.
But you doesn't seems to care about me so much or even a single concern... And it makes me wonder whether it is you that replies me.

Today, 27th Oct 2009. 3hours 41mins to 3days you had not replied for my message saying "Anw, wb. How's fishing? N rmb wat i ask for next wk" Why don't you reply to this... I just want to concern or ask about how's fishing. Or you actually call it off and went chalet with her? I believe you wouldn't give up fishing lor.

Hais, about 4days more to go before i will sms you ba. I wish i can tell you about what i know from him. But mostly you will not buy in ba.

Life is cruel. Especially to me? All i got is my dad.... And some close friends.

Maybe all is fate la. Fate makes me had to work Full Shift on the day suppose we meet up. Became the two of you meet up only. And makes me keep feel so uneasy.. And since when you likes her back i also don't know... "So fat lo, fat until so ugly.. I don't even know why i last time like her" this sentence.. I keep thinking now... Whether you say from your truth heart or it is really like what Michelle says "ALL EXCUSES"

But i do believe it is more to your truth words. But is it the first day meet up le and like her back? And scare to tell me? Or scare i know? Hais.... You 2 chat on the phoe few days before meet up. From that day onwards maybe already likes her back le and so happy to able meet her alone on Sunday.. Chatted so long hours from the past til present. I really don't what the hell i'm doing.

Somehow yes i push you two together. That's because i feel you heart likes her more? Or i feel like i'm extra? If you don't want be with her, i push also no use right? hahaha Stupid =_= Speak rubbish again. Aiya end here la...

Not saying if i never push you will go with me, just can't bear to see you suffer. I suffer alone enough le ba. =) Well.. You just can't get my meaning i guess. Neither i had tried to listen to yours perhaps. Hope everything can turns back. I really wish it can... All start over again.

Need to learn to relax, to be honest to myself, my heart and to others. Need to learn to be more and more patient for all this kind of things. Just not sure why this time i can't torlerate? Stress ba. Also too/quite straight-forward kills myself..

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

if..

If i dies in this year. my only regret is i nv had told u want i really wish from u and i nv had really listen to u. nv had really understands wat u had wanted. and now i had made u pek chek n made up a choice. Im sad but somehow i had to be glad. But i m really sad la. I dun wan let go de. but i guyi wan make tings gone crazy but u dun believe it. hais... and i want to tel u this very 1st time. LOL i love u =S My last regret will be dies b4 my dad ba.

Seriously i think i like u alot. but no more turning back le. Im oways like this. make it worse le den regret abt it. no matter had i explain oso no use le ba. U 2 is tgt le. i nv get any bless b4. only bless is my dad ba. How i wish somehow i m her that can slp beside u. LOL u say b4 stayover night there n ur room doesnt looks good as it is a rental hse. but she stay there. anw is ur gf, thats y u oso dun really care abt wat wat rental hse not le ba. and dun wan her slp w maid oso le. hais. wat m i thinking. y i cant let go. y i cant 4get. WHY.... Brain is full of u.. Not i dun wan be frens but..

So Sad

So much things happened last week + this week...

1st is my ah ma passed away on 16oct... 2nd is... i lost 2 love ones..

I seriously duno whether i had fallen in love with you. But i think of you more than another people even at work. I wondering what you doing. Will sms me not.. How's you day. Even til now...

I always wonder whether is it i owe my sis her past life. So this life i had to suffer so much. God put her to be my sis and make me suffer. I always think of this.. Im not sure whether he is love her alot of what. But i do believe he love me once.

Starting my words all is too harsh ba. Maybe im angry thats's why i say out what i dun feel good in. But i somehow regrets it. I tried to put it back la. Today got a new job. I been thinking of him while i was working. After some thinking i realise maybe i know what you're doing. Maybe i had understands it le. I let go of my hands because i got no choice no matter how much i wish to holdon to it..

Now for what i feels that i think i can understand what you're thinking le, i feel like holding on again le. I will wait... But i stil can't get myself out of the sorrow. Ah ma, i hope u can bring away this sorrow of mine. I m utterly sad. I duno why. Maybe i felt stress Maybe i m suffering depression. I loss my appetite for days le. Or maybe even 1 week le. I eat less and lesser and now never eat. Lol. Sorry make frens that is reading it sad for me?

Maybe pity me or what as well. Hais. You're no longer concern about me since yesterday ba, When i oso got say abt i start new job tdy. u nv ask wat job etc. And... hais duno want say wat le..

When you say, "i pick her, at least for now. future no1 knows." I do regret that i say alot nonsense like get married with her, tat is my wish <- i think of this b4.. Coz its the best for her ba.. And say other nonsense as well ... maybe i had hurt u. when u say, farwell etc, maybe i will be ur xiao mei. I felt sad. But i duno "i pick her, at least for now" this words is hiding something in ma. Now i guess maybe got.. Well i need to try to walk out of my sorrow.. I had never think of someone so much and sad over it so long. Maybe coz ah ma passed away as well, My heart cant take it. Maybe i really fallen in love with u. Hope to see you after u return from msian ba. I m sry for what i say in a harsh way like " dun need call le" But i do get quite angry when i told u i reach 4-5pm but u say i told u 430pm... I oso got sms u saying i reaching boonlay. so u can prepare to come mit me. But u say hp will oways be with u. endup oso put inside ur bag or hers and nv saw my msg. Quite sad and angry at that point. I saw ur backview while i board the escalator. I really cant bear to leave u. I duno how long will it take for me to walk out of this sorrow.. I guess it will take very long.. I duno ur heart ever loves me before or just like me or just something like replacement or just like u say de more den a fren less den a gf. Mistress ba i guess. HAHAHAHAHA

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Title of Song to be my message

This post will be using different songs to say what i'm trying to say... I'm sorry if any of the people mention below reads this. I'll not remove it. I'll not longer listen to your words for what you comment for my blog. This blog entry will say this following Four people : Joseph, Candy, Jovin and Minru...

"Long time no see" is our start.

"Spiderwebs" is what the four of us is in now.

"Don't speak" is what Minru don't wish to hear.

"Free and Easy" is what we needs.

Jovin wish to be Candy's "Boyfriend"

Candy is like a "Super Girl" to Jovin?

Life is just like a "Battlefield"

"Better Man" is what Joseph wish to be?

"Nobody" is what Candy wish to tell Joseph.

"Lucky" is what Candy's situation now.

Minru wish to do her "Crying in the rain" Maybe same goes to Jovin.

When you feel heart aches, can only say that it does not "Breakeven"

"Without your love", Minru believes that she still can live on.

"Sorry Sorry" is what the four of us wish to say to each other.

"Yes I Love You", is what Joseph wants to tell Candy?

Minru do all this is just "For You"

"Given up", is what Minru and Jovin had to do!

You will always be Minru's "Dearest" friend.

Maybe "Give me Baby one more time" is what Joseph wants to voice out.

"Bye Bye Bye" is what Minru and Jovin had to tell them.

Thank You and all the best to all the above people.

Thank You for everything.

Minru will paid back what she owes any of you.

"Because of you" Minru tries to change herself~